SassTown

Summer has arrived here in Michigan and along with it the inevitable need to bathing suit. Can you think of anything that is less exciting than that? I had procrastinated as long as I possibly could and seeing that my 2 youngest no longer possess a suit that fits I went shopping with them (kicking and screaming).

In all fairness, I’m not a fun person to shop with (see Abercrombie’s a Bitch). To me it seems more like a solitary endeavor. Waiting for others to try on clothes in a dressing room is torturously boring. When the subject is bathing suits and adolescents you can multiply that agony. Unfortunately these 2 girls aren’t old enough to drive and don’t have their own credit cards so there was no escaping this adventure.

I was lured into Hollister by my teenage fashionista with the promise of bathing suits being on clearance. Having no one to blame but myself, I shouldn’t have been appalled by the young girl doing the triple duty of folding, greeting and security for the front of the house. She greeted me with the ridiculous but customary “What’s up”? I cautiously followed my offspring on in to the the cavelike retail establishment.

I give you exhibit A

Exhibit B

I know, it’s hard to decide if I’m exaggerating or not due to the darkness of the photos (forgot my night vision scope in the car) but that is my point exactly. It’s too dark and cluttered in the place to really examine the merchandise. And if you are over 40 it’s questionable as to whether you’ll be able to read the confounded price/ size tag. I will say that I did enjoy their music selection and the very cool screens built into the walls that identify the artist and song title. That was the last example of clever design I saw that day.

I underestimated the challenge, frustration and angst involved in this particular shopping expedition with my daughters. They may be only 15 months apart in age but they could not be more different in personality and appearance. The youngest is still sporting a short childlike figure that could be described as husky. She also possesses a lovely head of hair that most females envy, fine pored and clear skin and lovely almond shaped brown eyes. It was very painful to see her realize that most of the contemporary bikinis were not going to work for her figure at all. We settled on a very sporty tankini by Nike and she seemed content with that but I also saw the disappoinment of having to try on so many suits that emphasized the parts of her body that do not fit with the images of Seventeen magazine.

The slender, leggy one faced her own challenges. She inherited my husbands family tendencies toward a larger nose, big pores and migraine headaches. Being reed thin we found most of the bikinis that didn’t fall off of her did not adequately cover the well developed aspects of her figure. She looks and is built far more maturely than her 13 years. Most of the suits that fit her left her too scantily clad for her age. Any age really. What are these designers thinking anyway? I would think bathing suits should not threaten to expose your covered body parts with the slightest of activity known to keep us slim and healthy. Nasty attitudes prevailed. Why does this have to be such an unsettling experience?

You would think with my years of experience I could handle these situations with more finesse. After countless trips to shop for girls in various stages of physical development I should have easily been able to be supportive yet tactful in my assistance. Not so much. I won’t admit it in court but I just don’t know how to take these girls bathing suit shopping and have them emerge with their self esteem intact.

Now that I’ve had time to ponder I guess it’s part of the female experience in todays culture of perpetual youth and hyper-sexualization in all forms of self expression. From clothing to music, dance and entertainment we are bombarded with a tidal wave of expectations that most surgically unaltered physiques will never meet. For now I will keep finding ways to remind my daughters that everyone has different attributes and we need to make the most of what we have within the perimeter of living a healthy lifestyle. Is that tactful enough?

Should have had more boys, bathing suit shopping would be a snap.

We leisurely occupied a table for eight at a nice local lunch place. We laughed and the conversation flowed naturally. The atmosphere was infectious with good cheer and our waiter doted on us. Even though the restaurant carried Pepsi product she showed up with Coke for the 2 ladies who have discerning palates when it comes to their carbonated beverages. Ordering was a bit mundane, repetitious with all of our cups of butternut squash soup and house salads. One of the ladies had requested separate bills and I just rolled my eyes thinking what a female move that had been.

I recognized the waiter as a guy who’s been there a while and is good at his job. Looking around, I noted that the restaurant had a typical number of patrons for a Wednesday afternoon. Everything just seemed so normal.This is one of my favorite local restaurants. I have been holding a grudge against them since they took my favorite dessert off the menu: chocolate Khulua bread pudding with a carmel sauce. It’s been over a year and I have refused to have another dessert and let them know why. I tend to only eat things I really like.

One of my friends was on a really tight schedule for the afternoon so she spoke to the waiter and he brought her bill out promptly when he saw she was finishing up. She hurriedly opened the check holder to insert her credit card and just at that moment before she closed it she caught sight of the total. Her eyes got big and she took a deep breath and looked up with a look I recognized right away.

You know, that “holy mother I am in a hurry and the waiter gave me the check for the whole table and now what am I going do”. After all the rest of us lollygaggers had not really finished eating yet and trying to get a table of woman to settle up a bill quickly...well there is nothing quick about that plan. So when she looked up and gulped, the other end of the table burst out in laughter. Then James, our waiter, handed her the separate bill and we all laughed. Then she said something very profound, “ A year ago I would have just put my card in and paid it without a second thought, just as a nice gesture.”

That was then, this is now.

Our old normal was just building a life responsibly.Here is the Detroit area, in an affluent suburb with nice homes, good schools and safe streets. We are basically a hard working, family oriented community. A very large portion of our local economy is automotive related and has been since the baby boomer age began. Many paychecks come to our zip code from the Big 3, and also from the several Japanese auto companies that have placed headquarters here. People have faithfully put in years at companies, built their careers, were careful to have financial planning, college funds for their kids and 401K accounts in order.

Things have changed, mostly beyond any of our control. Our home values have fallen roughly 50% in the past 3 years. Many of the breadwinners here have already faced layoff. Many more are in a state of perpetual anxiety, knowing the secure job they had is now just hanging by a thread. Many more who are still sure their jobs are secure are secretly doubting it. Because as people lose their health and dental insurance, as local communities have their revenues diminishing because homes are not being bought and sold, tax liens are piling up, foreclosures are on the rise.... not only does that then affect local businesses, but also our health care industry and there will be far less money to pay for the excellent city services we are used to. A decreasing population and the tax revenues also means there will eventually have to be cut backs in education.

So we are all adjusting to the new normal. Depending on how drastically your family has been hit dictates the level of change in lifestyle that needs to be made. Even the most securely employed are being cautious because everyone knows what is now happening across our nation is not a good thing. People are definitely scrutinizing budgets and cutting back their spending. We are all examining priorities, plans and making adjustments.

Back at our lunch table sat a group of people who share a common faith and despite their circumstances chose to celebrate time together. Our group consisted of people who had plenty of things to be in despair about. Joblessness, depression, marital woes,kid problems, serious illness and a big dose of uncertainty. No one sat there looking miserable. We were all there to shore each other up. It’s going to take a lot of that to navigate our way through all the changes that have occured in our community and the ones yet to come.

This morning I was especially groggy but I got up and got everyone out the door except the baby. The baby is 12 and was running behind so I decided to drive her to school. We went on our way and without breaking any major traffic laws I got her to school with about 5 minutes to spare.

“What shall I do with 5 minutes to spare?” I asked myself. Self, let’s drive through that subdivision we are thinking of moving to and get a feel for what it looks like in the morning hours. I had looked at a home in there just the day before. I took a zillion pictures to show the family and see what they thought of it. Currently I am a renter after 2 decades of being a home owner. The good part about that is when housing values are dropping (like a brick here in Michigan) renting is financially quite sensible. The bad thing is when the person who owns your home returns from working overseas you might have to move even if you don’t feel like it.

Anyway, back to my drive-about story. I was scouting out this new neighborhood, gathering information, kind of like the census bureau. Legally, Realtors cannot discuss with potential buyers if there are lots of kids in the hood, are the people friendly, do they keep up the yards and maintain their homes properly. Being a person who has bought a lot of homes I have learned all the tricks of figuring out if a neighborhood is a good fit. After a few turns around each street I noted a home with some landscaping features I thought were note worthy. As any blogger worth her salt would do, I reached for my camera, stopped my car, got out to peek over the hood and snapped a few pictures. Then I moved forward to the other side of the house and repeated the procedure. Didn’t I tell you I was a professional?

I noted how many kids were getting on the elementary bus, they’re a bit young for my girls but could lead to some potential babysitting dollars. One more quick turn around the area and I motor on to go back home. It’s raining anyway. I saw one lady on her driveway in the drizzle waving to her neighbor on the porch across the street. That’s a good sign, this could be a real friendly little place. Then I noticed the lady trotting out in the street after I drive by and she was kind of holding her cell phone up (like you do when you’re taking a picture). I shrugged, that’s a little odd but my mind has already moved on to my to do list for the day.

I’d say it took me all of 5 minutes to drive back to my house a few miles away. Easy peasy. I pulled into the bat cave, closed the door and proceeded to put away the last few things in the kitchen when my doorbell rang. Shushing the big beast who was now going all Kujo, I open the door to the local police! Dear God this isn’t a party, what is one of those strippers doing here? No such luck, he’s here on official business. He wants to know if I am the registered owner of a 2009 Ford Flex and was I driving on XYZ Street this morning at 8:30? HOLY SHIT BATMAN! WHAT DID I DO NOW? Where’s that dumb blond act when I really need it? Oh, I’m not acting. Didn’t break any laws that I know of....when is the last time I had an alcoholic drink (2 days ago?)...OMG I’d better call Lawyer Mom right away (rats this isn’t Texas). I’m pretty sure I didn’t commit any crimes today...oh no, what did those damn kids do now?

I had a very quick talk with myself, “man up woman, don’t act like a twit”. I looked up at that 200 pound 6 foot guy packing heat on his belt and said, “ yes, I am the owner and yes, I was driving on XYZ Street just a few minutes ago”. As serious as he could be, he proceeded to tell me that someone called to complain that she observed me taking a picture of her car and when she waved at me ( I guess she wanted to interrogate me herself) I just drove by. Obviously puzzled, I explained, "I was looking at a home in that neighborhood and stopped to take a picture of someone’s landscaping that was cleverly hiding their garbage cans from view, which was important because currently I have a 3 car garage and those homes only had 2 car garages so I wondering where do you put your garbage cans"?  Now I‘m blabbering. Come to think of it , now I’m mad, because this is really stupid.

Why am I explaining my mundane activities to this guy? Have I not watched enough TV to know you are not supposed to blab to the po po and tell them answers to questions they haven’t thought of asking. I always have my pocket sized digital camera with me and I wear the hair off that thing using it to collect and retain all sorts of information. As a not really employed anymore realtor and designer I take pictures of lots of houses, decorating ideas I like, landscaping. I shop for furniture, drapery fabrics, pillows and, art for other people. I take pictures of my finds, the price tags, you name it. I email the evidence and it saves me a lot of time, a lot of returns, makes me efficient and earth friendly. Hallehlua.

Back to my front porch where I’m still standing face to face with Robocop. I make an attempt to channel my inner bitch and give him my best “So?” look. He says, “well evidently this woman was very upset and suspicious that were you taking pictures of her car”. Finally, the Mayor arrives and I said, “Look, you just checked my license plate and you know that I have a new 2009 Flex parked in my garage, why would I possibly want some old, hideous orange Honda?” I don’t want her car Einstein. I guess I must have finally shown some authority because he thanked me and left.

So much for finding a nice friendly neighborhood. More like white picket fence freaky Stepford world. The kind of place they pick one virgin from the cul de sac to sacrifice on the alter of community safety every leap year. I don’t want your pathetic car bizzo, or your kid. Well, I might want it if it was a Audi RS4 or if your kid was sure to become professional athlete who can take care of his mother in her old age.

Seriously, you’d think it would make me feel all warm and fuzzy to know what an attentive police force we have in our town. They have so much time on their hands they can respond to a complaint of no crime whatsoever in less than 5 minutes. Impressive. Not really, it’s a little confounding to think at a time when most cities are experiencing a loss of revenue due to a drop in property values (and taxes) that our city can afford to send officers out on nonsense like this. They are planning layoffs at the schools, cutting back city services, so why is there enough police personnel to investigate non crimes?

It’s not a very efficient use of resources in my opinion. If you know anything about the Mayor, you know I admire efficiency, common sense and a practical approach. What alarms me about this “house call” by my local police that it seems like another example of government over reaching. And while this guy is cooling his heels on my porch he might be a little less available to respond to something like what happened an hour later near the high school, sending them into the state of lockdown during finals. Someone called in a report of a young man walking toward the school with a gun. Turned out to be an air soft gun, but I'm just saying...

I did find this bright new idea for any of you Stepford sub inhabitants: order one of these life size cardboard cops. Isn’t he hot? And the next time you can just take him down the driveway with you instead of wasting taxpayer money having non crimes investigated. And as a bonus you might not scare off any really cool potential neighbors.

Alternative titles: How to Blitz Chicago In 48 Hours. How To Spend Quality Time With Adult Children.

Day 1:

1. Pick up new car from Ford dealer at 3:30 p.m.
2. Drive like a bat out of hell to try and make it to Chicago before the Wings game starts.
3. Arrive to the West Loop apartment at 7:40 p.m.
4. Wow doorman with my new ride, unload car and park in deck lot.
5. Greet my Smart Cookie daughter.
6. Saunter over to Vivo for a fantastic meal (chargrilled asparagus with shaved parmesan, shrimp/basil linguine and a fillet to split) and outstanding bottle of Zinfandel). It's a sure bet for a nice meal in a swanky setting on Randolph Street.
7. Stumble down Randolph back to apartment.
8. Check out Conan O’Brian in his new role as host of the Tonight Show.
9. Fall asleep relatively early(1 a.m.) since all had put in a full day.

Day 2:

1. Answer the phone at 5:30 a.m. when my baby calls from home while getting ready for school (6:30 a.m. in Michigan).
2. Tell her “have a good day but DON’T CALL BACK UNLESS SOMEONE IS BLEEDING”.
3. Return to sleep.
4. Arise, slip on exercise clothes and go for a brisk walk on my own, hitting Starbucks on the way home.

5. Exclaim how the same latte I get in Michigan for $3. 60 is $4.07 here.

6. Meet up with the 2 adult children and decide to go out loafering about, shopping and lunching for the afternoon.

7. Walking along the river, appreciating the boats and architecture.

8. Stop by the University Of Chicago Graduate Business School book store for a license plate holder for my new car. I figure I ought to get as much milage as I can out of having my first born in one of the most prestigious MBA programs (even though her employer, not parents are paying for it).

9. Have a very tasty lunch before shopping.

10. Boring my son to death while uncharacteristically spending over an hour in Anthropology.

11. Being out voted on walking home so we crowd into a cab.

12. Being made fun of for my Justin Timberlake ring tone (it’s the baby calling, schools over for the day, “when are you coming home”)?

13. Handing the phone off so she can talk to her older sister.

14. Strewing shopping bags and putting feet up while enjoying the Chicago skyline view out of her 26th floor apartment window.

15. Freshening up for our night out, “lets see how much of a ruckus we can raise” blitz of the Fulton River District neighborhood.

16. Phone call from lawyer who now has my cell phone due to it being left in cab, rendezvous options discussed.
17. Stroll over to Carnivale around 5 p.m. Their web site is definitely worth perusing. Bold neuvo Latino cuisine and wildness abounds, just not at 5 p.m.

18. Patio, overlooking Fulton Ave and I-94, tres (3) margaritas, ceviche (tuna tiradito) which featured tuna, jimica, serrano chile and avacado( delicioso) were consumed for about an hour and a half while waiting on previously mentioned lawyer who has my phone to call us. Watching the street we couldn’t help notice when a wine distributor pulled up with a trunk full of vino in a space pack type set up. I guessed he was Czechoslovakian. I then had to sit through a mini lecture (from my smart cookie who majored in Russian and Eastern European History at University of Michigan) on how that is a misnomer. You can be Czech or Slovac, not both. So he was Slovac, very mysterious in his behavior I thought. We made fun of the waiters we had with their super short ties which looked utterly retarded.

19. Bathroom at Carnivale. It’s way too early in the evening to have a crowd but they have a restroom attendant in there, which is something that really creeps me out in a bathroom with no other patrons peeing. I also have learned to budget every dollar in this recession/Michigan depression thing so I don’t want to pay a buck to use the potty when I’m paying a premium price already for my drinks and appetizers.

20. Daughter in the meantime has met up with phone nabbing lawyer. Turns out he was a little socially inept in face to face communication, but I am grateful he grabbed the wayward cell phone out of the taxi and went out of his way to get it back to me.

21. $160 later we sashay ourselves down Fulton Ave into the Fulton Market district to do a little bar hopping. Do guys sashay? I don’t want to misrepresent the prince. He accompanied us on our sashay and it was a beautiful evening.

22. Upon exiting the restaurant I spied an Audi RS4 parked out front for exactly what it is: a undisputed example of automotive heroin. 0-60 in 4.5 seconds, it’s stupidly fast. To quote The Truth About Cars, “Audi has used every trick in the playbook to get the RS4 to handle near perfectly. There are not enough superlatives to properly describe the vulgar joy of an RS4”. I got the Smart Cookie (aka Princess #1) to lick it. I asked the Prince to lick it but he’s tired of my shenanigans and refused to cooperate.

23. On to Publican we went. This place just fascinated me from the moment we walked to it. First of all it’s on the edge of the West Loop, a neighborhood still a bit sparse and on the gritty side. We decided to make a pit stop at their unique bathroom set up. Tall, solid wood doors open to each private compartment. Once you are done with your business you exit and wash your hands at a circular troth type set up.
24. On entry into the restaurant proper we were ushered to these VERY PRACTICAL tall round tables that featured hooks for your purse (or pocketbook for you southern belles) and a shelf underneath for anything else you might be toting (like a sweater). How cool is that ???? Then our cute waitress introduced me to their bar area specialty, #1 was oysters to which I said “ no thank you”. Then she went on about how they featured ham at this smoke house type venue in the meatpacking district of Chicago. Did you say HAM?

I love ham. No kidding. I just endured weird ceviche (with sushi grade tuna slices instead of all diced up) at our last stop. I was so excited, I’ll take the HAM sampler and a vodka/soda. Turns out this establishment is owned by the chefs of renowned West Loop restaurants Avec and Mockingbird. I was disappointed by the razor thin sliced ham when I was expecting a southern style slab of moist ham. We ate it anyway and I was accused of annoying the snot out of everyone with my picture taking.

25. Last stop for the night was La Sardine, across from Harpo studios, for a night cap. Only I did not need a night cap, I was way past my middle aged drinking capacity for the evening. I inquired about a Chocolate martini, but they didn’t do them here. What kind of a place did you bring me to? I ordered some water and my companions insisted on ordering the famous Le Queue de Boeuf (braised oxtails with potato gnocchi). After a long wait it arrived to our place at the dark polished wood bar and it struck me as HILARIOUS. I have no idea why, but I laughed so hard at the mini sized bowl of yumminess that I couldn’t even operate the camera.

26. Begrudgingly we called it a night. Smart Cookie had a whole day of class in the morning and I had a Saturday evening plan I had to be home in time for. Did I say how great it is to just be able to WALK home after a night out?

27. The next morning we all made it out of the apartment on time. I started my mad dash of a drive home. I have to admit I was zipping along the Indiana Tollway (seriously, are we really to believe the speed limit is 55?) Third car in a pack of 4 we were cruising 75-80 when we came around a curve to the left to see a State Trooper. My heart sunk and I slowed down and got in the middle lane and sure enough here he comes with lights flashing. He pulled over the pickup that was at the head of my pack and then made these funny hand signals to some of the other cars to pull over. He can’t possibly mean me, can he? I motor on while silently practicing my dumb blond stay at home mom act in case another trooper is called to catch up with me. Slick on some plum brandy lipstick with a top coat of Philosophy Kiss Me lip gloss, change my CD to some cheerful contemporary christian music and I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

28. Stop holding my breath when I cross the Michigan border. Stop at Culver’s at exit 32 for a bathroom break and some root beer. Pry the really pretty but dead as a doornail bird out of my front bumper with my nail file (then threw it all away) so my girls won’t have kittens when I pull into the drive way in 2 hours.

29. Give about 5 seconds of thought to back tracking to take a picture of a highway directional sign that advertised “VIP lounge & massage” for a truck stop. That’s got to be a good blog story right there, but I’m too focused on my mission to turn around.

30. After one slight traffic back up I pull into my driveway on schedule and promptly unload my bags into my house because that is just the way I like to operate. It's about 3:45 p.m.

That my friends, is how it is done.

This guest post is generously written by my high school aged daughter. When I reviewed her Journalism essay on “Bathroom Etiquette” I said, “I just have to have this for my blog next week while I’m in Chicago”. My little girl’s sensitivity to proper potty hygiene may stem from the time she broke her femur at the tender young age of 1. She spent 6 weeks in a body cast with merely a hidey hole for bathroom purposes.

The student body has lost the administration’s trust to use the bathrooms. We now have the need for cameras and bathroom passes because a small percentage of us cannot be trusted to not write threats on the stalls or vandalize the bathroom in other ways. The school now employs hall monitors because many students cannot just go to the bathroom, office, locker or get a drink without taking an extra long walk or getting lost altogether. Are we still in elementary school?

Many students want more freedom and respect from teachers and the administration. Well maybe you should try earning it by not acting like inconsiderate Neanderthals. Students should be courteous and clean up after themselves when using the bathrooms because nobody wants to clean up your bodily excretions or any other repulsive mess. Why would anyone want to leave their bodily waste floating around in the toilet for the whole school to see? How hard can it be, just flush the toilet! Does anyone really like the sight or smell of poop? But hey if you do, good for you, explore that new hobby at home please.

And boys, word is out that none of your stalls have doors? Why would that be? Maybe because you act like monkeys and hang on them and eventually break them. Do you really want to use the toilet with an absolute lack of privacy? Kind of just like they operate in prison.

Girls, we’re supposed to be all lady-like and clean, stereotypically speaking. Well if that’s true, why are there signs in every stall asking us not to flush our feminine products? Shouldn’t we already be aware of that, being that there’s a trash bin right on the side of every stall just for that purpose. Nobody wants to see that tampon or pad lying on the floor or even floating around in the toilet, take the time to do it right.

By the way, the janitors are not paid by our parent’s taxes to clean up our revolting messes; they’re paid to keep our school premises presentable. These poor people are here from the time we arrive in the morning until about 10 at night. Additionally, there’s only a limited staff on hand, probably five of them working at a time. Have you seen the size of our school? It’s gigantic! You think it’s easy?

You shouldn’t only be courteous while at school, but everywhere you go you should be thoughtful of what those employees have to clean up. I have my own experience to share. I used to work at the mall, right in front of the kids play place. My store provided one unisex bathroom that we shared with the public.

I remember this one insanely busy Saturday, someone defecated all over the wall behind the toilet and on the toilet. It was the most horrifying thing I’d ever seen and smelt. What kind of monster can leave that for people to clean up? Well my store manager did it, thank goodness. Could you even begin to imagine how terrible that would be to clean up?
The janitors have to deal with these types of scenarios daily. So next time, be thoughtful and show some respect for our faculty, fellow students and the people who clean up after us.