SassTown

For decades men have abhorred having to stop somewhere to as directions. The popularity of the Garmin, TomTom, the Magellan have ushered in a new era. The very  same electronic tools may lead to the ruination of the male species.

30 years from now every male in a Sun City retirement village will have to wear a GPS necklace to make the journey from their Thursday afternoon Euchre club to the dining hall in time for dinner.

What man doesn’t love  a gadget ? So if they can have a gadget that tells them (in a female voice) where to go turn by turn its a win win. They don’t give another thought to how they are retraining their brain to be directionally dysfunctional. They will begin drooling over every new  and improved model they get a news flash on.

In my family it seems the more complicated the object, the more esteem it is held in. In 2004 my husband had the sales guy from the local electronics store come train him and install our new all in one remote which operated a whole cabinets worth of audio-visual equipment. The thing was lovely. You would have thought it was a magician in a box the way all of the male visitors to our household were captivated by it’s sleek design and seamless operation.

Bad Baby broke the remote

That was until one of the children pushed one wrong button in the sequence and there was no coming back from the remote hell it sent us to. Many a family feud was sparked by that remote and we learned an important lesson....if it requires one on one in home training to turn on my television, it is something I can live without.
 
On our recent trip to Austin we rented several cars. My husband travels a lot and earned his way to a free week from Hertz. He never leaves the parking lot without the Never Lost system. I rent my own vehicle for this trip, equipped with a trusty map and the Frequently Lost (or at least turned around) System.

We approach travel from very different perspectives. He’s usually on business. You land in your target city’s airport, pick up your car, have no idea how to get around. The GPS navigational systems allows you to plug in your destination’s address and you’re off to close the deal, viola, as simple as that. He only stays as long as the task takes and then he’s out of there.

When I travel I’m usually there for a longer stay, maybe a combination business/pleasure type of trip. I’ll do research on what to see, where to stay, where to eat, etc. I’ll read consumer reviews, make notes and click on maps for all the things that have piqued my interest. So when I arrive I already have a vague outline in my head of where things are.

I don’t have a GPS in my own car. When I rent a car I always shop around for the best deal and I hesitate to spend the extra money for the navigation system. There are times I wish I had one, like when you’re trying to see addresses on unfamiliar buildings or homes. I’ll fully admit the little devils can increase efficiency, which is important to me.

Figuring out what route to take on a road trip is like completing a puzzle, sort of a road Suduko. Sure I get turned around every now and then. I occasionally pass my exit, pass my destination or head out the wrong way. In finding the method of correcting myself I often learn things about the area I might not have known. Like the location of that hole in the wall taco stand. I learn alternate routes and develop my cache of data about my target area and into the vault it goes, to reside there until I need to recall it.

I like to think of it as exploration, not just getting from point A to point B. In the end I think you get a much better lay of the land. Not that being lost isn’t frustrating. I also don’t really like to ask for directions. According to most Austin residents, when ever I asked how long will this take the standard answer was, “about 20 minutes”. I found that not to be true frequently on my travels around that place.

I think the experiment of having one car with it, and one car without proves my theory that relying on a navigation system satisfies the need for instant gratification, but it also makes us lazy and eventually directionally challenged. By the end of the week I had a competent grasp on how to get around between Lake Travis, Austin and my hotel.

Who knows how much knowledge sunk into my husbands head, because he continued to drive around with that annoying directional bitch telling him every little thing, even though he had gone to the same Home Depot 4 times that week.

Men. Who can understand them?

As a child I spent a good part of every summer in the Smoky Mountains of North Carolina. My meemaw used to tell us tales of shooing revenuers off family property so they couldn't find the family still. I never saw a still, but I did see people produce jugs of moonshine once in a while.

We just happened to be visiting Austin in December. It wasn't until we strolled the different downtown districts (6th Street, Warehouse district, Congress, Lamar) that we came to realize we were there during the valley season (as opposed to peak).

I wouldn't go as far to say that they all but rolled up the sidewalks, but it was a bit lonely at times. As lonely as one can be when spending time with your large, extended family. My point is we didn't get the full Austin experience of their entertainment district because the week between Christmas and New Years is a very popular time for the residents to vacate elsewhere.

Being one of the few tourists enjoying the warm weather (the Texans thought we were crazy to be excited about 50 degrees) made it easy to get dinner reservations anywhere we wanted. Upon the recommendation of my happy Texan friend Stiletto Mom we found our dinner spot for the night. Moonshine Patio Bar & Grill on Red River Street is housed in a building that is part of the historical Waterloo Compound, one of Austin's oldest groupings of commercial buildings.

The patio looked like a perfect outdoor spot, enclosed, with festive lights and firelplaces. Unfortunately they weren't seating outside that day (probably to avoid staff rebellion against cold working conditions). So our next idea was to check out the bar as we had read about several concoctions they are known for.

Inside the lighting was just right and and the rough light limestone walls were a great contrast to the gleaming wood bar. We got started right away with a Cucumber Cosmo Martini ($7) and Harvest Moon Tea ($7), some of the house specialties. That Harvest Moon Tea was a stealth glass of goodness. The kind that could divest you of your panties if you weren't careful (and you wouldn't even know it). Very sneaky indeed!

Tres amigos enjoying the scene

We were hitting our stride when they led us back to an interior room to be seated. We were all hungry so we got right down to business. We got the party started with Beer Battered Asparagus with Buttermilk Ranch and some calamari. I returned from a quick time away from the table to find the tasty treats to be eaten beyond the photo op stage so you'll have to take my word for it, it was good.

The staff was freindly and competant, easily picking up our cues on speed of service. We were a decisive bunch that night and they kept things moving without rushing us. A good time was had by all evidenced by the fact we actually managed to all complete our meal and cash out without anyone straying from the table.

Jalapeno Hanger Steak with Scallion Butter

We dug into our entrees and we all agreed that mine was an taste bud delighting Extravaganza. I love a well balanced looking meal, cooked perfectly by someone other than me. The smaller servings of veggies that accompanied everyone's meal just fulfilled that desire for variety, to keep things from getting boring.

Horseradish Crusted Salmon was very tasty

A big hit with our crowd that night was the Moonshine Macaroni & Cheese. This dish was one hot mess of creamy goodness. My daughter was delighted with her plain kid style bowl while the rest of us got the full monty with the jazzed up edition that included some green spicy goodies mixed in. It was quite unique, maybe the secret ingredient has something to do with the moonshine?

White Chocolate Bread Pudding with raisins, pecans & Bourbon Sauce

Par for the course, a fight just about broke out seeing who could be the quick draw on the dessert. They didn't listen when I recommended we order a Skillet Apple Pie or the Fudge Stout Brownie with Chocolate Malt Ball Ice Cream also. We came out of there with one chipped finger nail so I can't complain.

Next time we are in Austin we are going to be returning to Moonshine, especially to enjoy the patio. I've since read that the brunch there is outstanding starting out with $3.50 Mimosas and Bloody Mary's. Not to mention all the other menu items we didn't have a chance to try.

By the way you're going to be brave enough to try the moonshine. It will remain a mystery if we made good on the threat to sneak back in to the bar and try a shot of their White Lightening spiked with peach.

Last month the whole Sasstown crew headed to Austin to spend time with family there. My 18 year old traveled separately and met up us after we had been there a few days. We had a lively conversation at dinner, anticipating what her arrival would be like. Because we never know what to expect.

You see we are all secretly (who am I kidding it’s not a secret) afraid of her. She can be really mean.


I blame it on her dramatic birth in the back of our Dodge minivan. Or on the unfortunate incident that occurred on my watch when she was 12 months old (fell down the stairs, broken femur). Spending 6 weeks in a body cast will do weird things to your personality. It’s unfortunate but true.

This girl has mood swings like no other. One moment she is talking faster than a speeding bullet, the next she is brazenly bossing one of us  around. Then she blows. All in her own self obsessed universe. It’s kind of like living with a hurricane...enjoy the peace of the eye...because it’s a temporary respite.

We decided to figure out exactly how weird Austin really is and the only way to do that is by foot.

She had borrowed her sisters new ankle boots that day because wearing them just made her feel...absolutely bitchin’. Strolling the downtown streets of Austin in a herd. Exploring for hours. Moving fast. Covering ground. Late in the cool December afternoon we landed at the Halcyon-Coffee-Bar-Lounge, a very nifty place on W. 4th.

Some of us opted for lattes and some of us decided it was late enough to start a true happy hour. It was artsy, friendly and warm inside. I’m a sucker for interior brick walls with art. Beverages were savored and someone wasn't getting enough sympathy for her boo boos.

It was decided that no matter how cool Halcyon was, she needed to put a little space between herself and her people.  After asking the friendly bartender/latte maker for a few band aids (remember the cute boots...) she took her seething self outside to self soothe. While tending her now raw bleeding toes while sitting on the cement curb this understated interaction took place.

Homeless Guy: Wow, that looks painful. Are you OK?

Hurricane: Yeah, I walked way too far in my sister’s boots (shrugging her head in the direction of our group inside). Look at this mess.

Homeless Guy:  I lost my toenail on Monday. It was gross. I slept in the garage over there for a few days so I wouldn’t have to deal with anybody.

Hurricane:  Sounds good to me. Sorry about that. Want a band-aid? I can go inside and get more.

Homeless Guy: Nah. But can I have a couple bucks, go get myself a sandwich?

Hurricane:  Sorry Dude, I’m broke. You can have this, flipping him a quarter.

You just never know. The funny thing about her is when she's bad, she's very very bad. And when she's good she is AWESOME. She took charge of her Texas cousins little kids. She took charge of serving dinner to our group of 20. She took charge of her cousins new Great Dane puppy.

playing with Claire

putting Zak to sleep

Hula Hut with her big bro

with her sisters at Hey Cupcake

We were really quite shocked at how long we were able to vacate together with minimal drama. My husband and I thought, "maybe she really is maturing". She totally went out her way everyday to be helpful. That is so weird. I tucked her on a plane back to Detroit and met up with her at home a few days later.

Opened the mail and now I know what we observed was kissing up big time. $175 moving violation committed by hers truly. You got some splaining to do missy.

Jack is back with a vengeance and he’s brought Freddie Prince Jr with him. After a ho-hum season last year, this week’s 4 hour premier is reestablishing 24’s status as the show to watch.

Chloe, along with her signature eye rolling and geeky-sly ways, seems to be taking a more prominent roll. By the end of the 4th hour she managed to come from behind to raise her value in the eyes of her new boss who seemed to be on a roll to get rid of her during the first few episodes.

I’m not really a Kiefer Southerland fan (I’ve heard he’s a real jerk) but I am a Jack Bauer fan. This season he’s starting out all warm and fuzzy, babysitting his adorable little grand daughter and planning to move to LA to live near them. Of course those plans get waylaid in the first 30 minutes. Enter a Russian mob villain looking to do very bad things. They bring former FBI agent Renee back since she’s experienced going deep under cover in Russia. Ten minutes later we find out “we have to be careful to handle this by the books” Renee can now cut off a Russian guys thumb with a power saw without feeling a bit of moral ambiguity.

 

I know Jack wants to be retired but I think we need to get him to the Midwest to interrogate the Christmas Diaper bomber. Let’s get someone on this guy to find out what all we can expect to be facing here in the next year. Last season I made the mistake of getting all excited about Jack Being Back. So far I think I see a glimmer of hope for a bang up season.

Just as suddenly as Jack has reappeared, so it seems has my Gap Silver Status.

You might recall that last year during the big financial crisis I did what any sane person would do. I cut back on my spending and was rewarded by being downgraded from my premier shopping status.

The funny thing is I haven’t bought a single thing from the Gap all year. However between my clothing needs and that of 3 teenagers I have rung up necessities at Banana Republic and Old Navy...where I also use my Gap card. But they say I've earned my way back to a special status and as far as I can tell the only perk I would enjoy is free hemming ( a good thing because I am short).

Maybe my special status is supposed to make me feel special enough to be more shopative whenever I walk into the store?

Raymondo is doing his part to help the economy. Monthly flights to the west coast and several over to Sweden has helped burn up enough jet fuel to quickly reestablish his platinum status with the airlines. Now that makes him really happy since it does help him with the perks that help making traveling more palatable for my road warrior. That premium leg room seat, the occasional auto bump up to first class and the special security line assures him that he is indeed special.

Just ask George Clooney who portrays American Airlines king of the frequent fliers in the thought provoking movie Up In The Air. It was painful for those of us living in Michigan to watch this bittersweet story from the director of Juno, Jason Reitman. But the discomfort was balanced out by the touching mentor relationship that Clooney (reluctantly at first) develops with his young ambitious associate. Clooney nails his part as a well seasoned road warrior working the travel perks system for all that it is worth.

Of course all the perks in the world do not make us feel special enough to forget about the Christmas day bombing attempt on the very Northwest Airlines route my husband frequently travels from Amsterdam to Detroit. As with most frequent fliers he thinks the TSA is a joke and he sleeps with one eye open on his international flights. Well, he says he does but I have my doubts. He pretty much is sound asleep before the plane leaves the gate on a typical flight.

You can bet that I however, do not sleep on a flight. I’m like all hands on deck ready. I’ve pulled out my Tybo tapes and given myself a refresher on how to kick somebody’s ass if necessary.

As for my road warrior, I send him out confidently to go forage for money to pay our bills. Deals....make deals...close deals...stay safe while doing it.

The holiday season was complicated this year. That's what happens when your family grows up and children take on their adult obligations in various places that different from home base. It took a lot of thinking outside the box to accommodate our desire to spend time together during the holiday season.

The Pastry Chef & The Prince

So our first stop this year was Chicago where our first three work and live. My daughter, who is an assistant pastry chef, made arrangements for us to have a cozy family dinner (if you can consider 8 boisterous people a cozy group) at the restaurant where she's employed.

Meat flight

I was a fan of the Bin 36 restaurant group before she was hired there last year. I had been there several times on visits to Chicago, mostly sampling their vast wine and cheese selections that sets them apart from other fantastic Chicago establishments. One of the charms about this place is the various sections where different styles of gathering and dining are available.

Cheese flight

The baby is now 12 and having 3 teens to deal with daily has just about done me in. On the other hand it's wonderful to be able to go out as a group with a reasonable expectation of having everyone be mature enough to really enjoy each other out in the public arena...without too much fuss.

Well, I guess there will always be a certain amount of fuss with our group. We are not a very sedate bunch so places like Bin 36 are a fantastic forum for us to enjoy sophisticated dining in a situation that's casual and not the least bit stuffy.

For us, it's a win-win.

We began our evening with Champagne and a flight of meats and cheeses. It took a bit of coaxing to get everyone to have a nibble of some of the unfamiliar tasty tidbits set before us. Despite that signal, deeply ingrained inside me from years of parenthood, to move the show along before any big mishap occurs we were all able to relax and savor the experience.

Make no mistake, after years of parental gorilla warfare, I was the one who had the most difficulty relaxing sufficiently to appreciate the moment. Bin's vast wine selection helped me achieve my goal.

After being plied with vino, meats, cheeses and the like we decided to share some of our entrees. The staff accommodated us bringing out our entrees split and beautifully presented.

Peppercorn Crusted Blue Marlin

NY Strip with Shiraz-Shallot Butter

Bin 36 Burger (Tavern Menu)

The minute the youngest left to visit the restroom we all had to fight over a bite of the baby's burger despite having sampled our way through delicacies and sophisticated entrees. We just love to provoke her scorn. We all agreed the burger was fantastic.

When it comes to saving room for the important stuff we know how to roll. Desserts are important stuff. Especially when they include all house made delights such as gelatto & ice cream sandwiches to the more complex Crispy Brioche with Pumpkin Zabaglione, Gingerbread with apple salad and concord grape grainita.It seems that my gang was so excited by the desserts presented that we suffered a photographic failure (to take the picture before you take a bite because you never know what your crazy mother will use for her blog).

This little cutie (Sweet Potato Donuts with Marshmellow Ice Cream) was the only thing left unscathed when I returned from my brief pastry kitchen tour. Bin 36's king of the pastry department, Chef Tom is a delight to visit with and possesses the unique ability to be personable yet a creative stickler for detail in the items that roll out of his kitchen.

We almost made it through the night without anyone getting out of hand. The only criticism came by a few of my spawn complaining "enough with the camera already." I do admit to blatantly following a particular server around trying to get a picture on the downlow to prove he is Justin Timberlake's doppelganger. I did reign myself in enough to stop before asking to have my picture made with him. You know you have reached an important goal when you have a lovely evening out with your family and the only person causing any kind of a fuss is you.

Much appreciated mama lovin'