SassTown

Just the other day I was in a pretty manic state as I ran into the nearby grocery store for a few items we needed to complete dinner that night. Feeling smug that I had been able to snag a tiny cart on my way in, I was driving that thing like a NASCAR vehicle, zipping up the necessary isles. I hate to admit it but I almost ran over the same man twice, and he was a middle aged dawdler, and cranky at that. I might have been short tempered too if I was nearly clipped twice by some fanatical woman, even if she was damned good looking. If the powers that be knew what I was actually thinking while I’m at the grocery store, if they could see the visions and fantasies in my head they would put me out on the street and ban me from coming back.

Well, that may be an exaggeration because just today when I checked out at the local Kroger I didn’t have my keys with my little Kroger Card on it. Subsequently the cashier instructed me to punch my phone number in and the key pad said “Welcome back loyal Kroger customer”. Then when I discovered I had my purse (alias handbag or pocketbook depending on what region of the country you live in) but no wallet (with my credit cards). What to do now, after we rung up a whole bunch of groceries and I’ve got no ID, no credit card? It’s times like this that I’m lucky no one could telepathically read my mind or they really would exile me.   

Anyhow, I dug around the bottom of my purse and found a wrinkled up check. My score on my loyal customer card must be really good because they said, no problem Mayor, just go ahead and write us a check. Really? So I filled out the check and paid for my groceries and practically skipped out to the parking lot. I love walking out to the parking lot and loading my bags into my car when the weather is nice. It just makes me feel so good because I know soon enough here in Michigan I’ll have to trek out in freezing weather when winter arrives too soon.

The funny thing is that I am not really a loyal customer. Just don’t tell Kroger. I confess right here and now I am a shopping for the best price whore. Or shopping at a store because it’s on my route back home from where ever I’m coming from kind of gal. In reality I’m a very fickle hooker shopper. I shop where I feel like shopping, where it’s expedient for me that day or maybe because I happen to know an item I like is on sale. I know, it’s a kind of if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with attitude that could be seen as slutty disloyal.

I’m sure all the grocery stores in a 2 mile radius of my home think I have an undying love for them because I buy a lot of food. If they only knew I possess frequent shopper cards from several other states (Chicago, North Carolina, Texas) because I tend to get around and I usually cook when I do. Above average sized family + kids friends + official foodies means we require an extraordinary amount of raw materials. Very simple. The problem I have with this task that eats up a lot of my time each week is that you find a lot of idiots at the store who tend to impede my progress.

There is such a thing as unspoken grocery store etiquette. In case you didn’t innately internalize this information while accompanying your parents shopping when you were young, I’ve compiled a few tips:

• Unless you are getting a large order, grab the smaller sized grocery cart. We call it tiny cart. they are much more maneuverable.

• While cruising the isles, stay to one side of the lane while making your choices. You don’t want to be known as a lane hog, your indecisiveness is precluding the passing of more competent customers.
• If you are an average or above average height person and you see some short stumpy individual stretching and straining to reach a desired item on the top shelf for God’s sake help them out and pluck the thing down for them.
• The elderly, avoid getting behind them at all costs if you’re in a hurry. They are probably going to be slowly counting out cash or writing the dreaded check. Yes, I realize that is an ageist and bitchy attitude, but I’m on a mission and I don’t need to make new friends in the checkout line.
• When unloading your cart onto the check out belt, use the divider if they have one. It prevents mix ups that can cost you a lot of time.
• Avoid getting in line behind someone with those coupon organizing filofax things, that’s a bad sign. That’s a problem in the making so just avoid the situation.
• If you are the person in line with coupons, fine, I respect that. But can we not argue with the cashier over the validity of the coupon or send the bagger running to the back end of the store because it says buy 2 get one free and you didn’t pick up the extra.
• When you enter the line when I’m at the keypad conducting my business don’t crowd me with your basket. Stay in your space. I really don’t like being hit with the cart and don’t pretend you don’t see me because I’m short.
• If it’s busy and there’s no bagger on your isle, get your big butt down there and start bagging your items. I actually like to do this because it really expedites things and I can move on to my next task more quickly.
• If you are one of the elderly, get with the program. Use a credit card or a debit card, swipe that thing and be done with it. Now I feel guilty because I realize in 20 years I’ll be the white haired lady with a hump counting out my change one coin at a time.
• When you’re done with your cart, if possible take it to the cart return. It saves a lot of dented cars and it’s part of responsible citizenship. There are exceptions to this rule: if you have a baby with you and the cart coral is a ways away or if you have to pee really, really bad.

Now you know how to competently get through a grocery shopping expedition properly, happy eating. If you happen to see me hunting and foraging (and I’m not pushing tiny cart at warp speed) don’t be afraid to wave or say hi. You’ll be able to tell right away if I’m in the mood to motor or chit chat because I don’t have a poker face. There are plenty of days when my approach is more laid back and not so...um, postal. So far, I’ve only lost control and terrorized other shoppers in my head (except the unfortunate dude I clipped with tiny cart) which is a good thing for the local economy.