The Tale Of Two Bad Dogs

I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I’m loco. After enduring some “spring” in Austin with temperatures in the mid 90’s, I was so excited when the “cold front” blew into Texas with clouds, wild winds and a 40 degree drop. Hallelujah.

I put a big fat sweater on, turned the AC off and went about my business trying to keep my day on track. The dogs were outside chasing  what ever the wind blew into the yard occasionally barking at the strange weather happenings.

Do not let this face fool you.

Chi Chi Rodriguez, our resident drag queen bunny, was doing laps around the kitchen. My Dad called from North Carolina for our weekly Monday morning quarter backing of the weekends NASCAR race. Realizing it had gotten strangely quiet in my yard and I got this sinking feeling in my stomach. "Dad, I got to go"! I ran out on the porch and my empty yard confirmed my suspicions. The wooden gate had unlatched and blown open in the high winds and I had 2 dogs MIA.

Protect & serve

I regret to tell you that some very loud cursing interspersed with quick prayers were uttered as I yanked on my jeans and shoes. Flip flops would have been quicker but I was pretty sure there would be running involved in this search and rescue operation.

General pissieness fueled me as I had been strongly suggesting our gate be reinforced after the last adventure of Bonnie & Clyde. I had just been through this circus act in March and it was exhausting. Damn dogs. I don't even like them that much. I wasn’t that worried about the dogs being “lost”. I was worried about liability.

Does this look like a lock?

Scarlett appears to be the one with wanderlust. Before she joined our gang, Cole rarely stepped out of our yard. On the two escape escapades they've had, he just runs along behind her, never leaving her side. Our big black bastard is a 130 pounds of Bouvier muscle. He has a definite opinion about people and can be very intimidating. He has never bit anyone, and he likes other dogs, but he has literally scared the S#*! out of a few humans.

Like the time he was maced by the gas meter guy poking around our yard.

Or the time he pinned one of my teenage daughter’s friends against the wall in our home. I was horrified, until the next day when we discovered she had stolen several items from my daughter’s room. He knew she was up to no good.

Gah.

I  took off in my car scanning all their favorite walking spots. My first 15 minute search proved fruitless. Returning home I  put out an “lost pet” alert on our neighborhood website. I ran a few fields talking to every person I came across. No one had seen them. The mail lady agreed to call me if she saw them, "dogs always seem to find me".

Before I knew it 2 hours had gone by. I considered picking up my daughter from high school to help me look. No doggie sightings showed up on my computer. The only other time they successfully escaped I had received an email from someone I had never met. It said,“ Around 10 a.m. I spotted a huge black dog with a small sidekick being coaxed into a white Lexus, license plate XXX at the corner of ....”, kind of like a doggy amber alert.

My compulsion to clean when stressed prompted me to sweep up the glass I had broken in my garage as I pondered what to do next. 2 large SUVs stopped in front of my driveway and a big haired blond lady stuck her head out of the window. “ Do you have 2 dogs missing?” I nodded. She pointed to the other vehicle, a white Cadillac Escalade, “my neighbor has them”.

I looked over and saw Scarlett with her head peering out the window. A tall voluptuous woman with a thick accent got out chattering away. She reminded me of a dressed down version of Gloria on the show Modern Family.

Gloria: Zees dogs are sooo adorable the way zay stick together. Zay come to my house and  zay knock on my door to come in. I live back in zee area over there (pointing to a gated neighborhood next to mine).

(I can't write accents any better than I can speak them).

Me: “THANK YOU SO MUCH” while I’m thinking thank God my dog did not try to eat you.

She opened the door and Scarlett leaped over smearing mud down my jacket. Meanwhile that rat bastard Cole was happily spread out over the full length of light colored leather seat with a stupid grin on his face. He was as happy as a Hollywood actor crashing in Hugh Hefner’s guest house.

And he didn’t want to get out. But I made him because I am mean like that.

Meanwhile Gloria bends down to hug his neck. “This one is such a big teddy bear. I jus love heem”. My eyes go wide and I gasp...he doesn’t always like that kind of attention from strangers.

Apparently he likes it from Gloria just fine.

Two bad tired dogs napping

I've given it some thought, Gloria could potentially be a adoptive parent. Maybe she could take a middle school girl and Cole. That would really lighten my load. Especially now that I have to work on securing the gate because I refuse to chase these beasts one more time.

reinforced latch & 2 security hooks

Which, from the looks of this pow wow, I'm going to need.



Puppy Punked

Have you ever experienced that feeling that you got more than what you bargained for? I have. Like when I cajoled my husband into a 4th child and ended up with 6. You think I would have learned.

My life seems to be very cyclical. We embarked on an experiment to leave suburbia. So we started with a cottage on 2 secluded acres on a turquoise lake (way too much yard work). When I couldn't take the seclusion I designed and built a 5000 square foot house on a postage stamp lot of a deep water marina on Lake Michigan. Granted it was in a scenic village environment with spectacular sunsets over the water every night but living in a vacation paradise had it's downside.

What I found out was that many square feet of bead board, wood floors and the challenges of the elements living on one of the Great Lakes north of the 45th parallel made the cottage on 2 acres child's play. I nearly worked myself to death keeping that place up. Not only that, I found myself wasting away in want of a Target, a quality shopping mall and fresh fruit in the winter. I know it sounds trivial and bourgeois to admit that but you'd be surprised at the things you miss when you don't have them at your disposal.

So now we are back in suburbia, with quality schools and a rental home that is so indistinctive that I still pass my driveway at least once a week. Fire hydrant, remember the fire hydrant. We don't own a bunch of fabulous things anymore but we're good.

Along the way we had a Yellow Lab. Abbey was a great family dog. Typical for her breed, she lived to please us...unless she caught a sniff of some contraband food in the back of a construction worker's pick up. Then all bets were off. When her time was over we decided to get a French Bull Dog. The internet had dawned, we did research and welcomed Pearl into our family.

Typical French attitude. We used to say she was so ugly she was cute. She despised Northern Michigan for being too cold most of the time. She was unable to swim and was tormented when we insisted taking her along on the boat wearing a doggy life preserver. She was a well traveled bitch, having lived the urban life for a year in Chicago with our oldest daughter. Although she was only 12 pounds she ruled the dog park.

When we moved back to suburbia we decided to calm my nighttime willies by getting a dog a little more substantial in size. A part of me was clearly warned that our new breed of choice would be big and mighty one day. I figured, no problem. I've had a German Shepherd and a Lab. They were both big. That's how we got Cole:

Exhibit A: Bouvier des flandes

bath time bouvier

He was healthy and happy. And very strong for his size. My son wasn't a big fan. Called him a bouvie-ugly. The girls couldn't get enough of him. They took him outside, they got in his crate and played, they slept by him.... and he adjusted to our lives. Overall a well behaved and only slightly mischevious puppy.

Bouviers are a working breed and Cole liked to help with the dishes. They are very intelligent but stubborn. He rocked his puppy class and was pretty train able. He's quick to follow commands, when he agrees with them. There are clearly times when he has illusions of grandeur where he believes his judgement is supreme and it takes my Mayoral might to persuade him otherwise.

The funny thing about a large breed dog is they take a few years to fully mature. Many seasons pass and you don't realize...

how big they are getting

and scary

and choosy about who gets through security.

 On the bright side I don't worry about locking my doors. Even when asleep in his hidy hole in the kitchen he's monitoring the situation. Maybe I could pawn him off on the White House, after the Salahi party crasher breech, I heard their security could use some beefing up. This dog is perceptive. I don't know what gene pool the waste of fur they call the First Dog came from, but obviously someone was sleeping on the job.

We call him many things now and none of them include the adjective cute.

Big

Big Black Bastard

B3

Mister

Sir

Stinkopotomus

Bad Ass

The Intimidator

Sir Farts A Lot

He weighs in at 127 pounds of muscle and he's not to be toyed with. He loves other dogs (large and small), but if your a human you're going to have to pass muster. We go through the whole Dog Whisperer routine of come in but ignore the dog. No talking to him, no touch, no eye contact. Take command of the space. Wait, after about 3 minutes of being ignored he'll decide you're cool and invite you to pet him.

Now that he out weighs everyone who resides in this house but my husband I think you can see why I believe I have been punked.