Puppy Punked

Have you ever experienced that feeling that you got more than what you bargained for? I have. Like when I cajoled my husband into a 4th child and ended up with 6. You think I would have learned.

My life seems to be very cyclical. We embarked on an experiment to leave suburbia. So we started with a cottage on 2 secluded acres on a turquoise lake (way too much yard work). When I couldn't take the seclusion I designed and built a 5000 square foot house on a postage stamp lot of a deep water marina on Lake Michigan. Granted it was in a scenic village environment with spectacular sunsets over the water every night but living in a vacation paradise had it's downside.

What I found out was that many square feet of bead board, wood floors and the challenges of the elements living on one of the Great Lakes north of the 45th parallel made the cottage on 2 acres child's play. I nearly worked myself to death keeping that place up. Not only that, I found myself wasting away in want of a Target, a quality shopping mall and fresh fruit in the winter. I know it sounds trivial and bourgeois to admit that but you'd be surprised at the things you miss when you don't have them at your disposal.

So now we are back in suburbia, with quality schools and a rental home that is so indistinctive that I still pass my driveway at least once a week. Fire hydrant, remember the fire hydrant. We don't own a bunch of fabulous things anymore but we're good.

Along the way we had a Yellow Lab. Abbey was a great family dog. Typical for her breed, she lived to please us...unless she caught a sniff of some contraband food in the back of a construction worker's pick up. Then all bets were off. When her time was over we decided to get a French Bull Dog. The internet had dawned, we did research and welcomed Pearl into our family.

Typical French attitude. We used to say she was so ugly she was cute. She despised Northern Michigan for being too cold most of the time. She was unable to swim and was tormented when we insisted taking her along on the boat wearing a doggy life preserver. She was a well traveled bitch, having lived the urban life for a year in Chicago with our oldest daughter. Although she was only 12 pounds she ruled the dog park.

When we moved back to suburbia we decided to calm my nighttime willies by getting a dog a little more substantial in size. A part of me was clearly warned that our new breed of choice would be big and mighty one day. I figured, no problem. I've had a German Shepherd and a Lab. They were both big. That's how we got Cole:

Exhibit A: Bouvier des flandes

bath time bouvier

He was healthy and happy. And very strong for his size. My son wasn't a big fan. Called him a bouvie-ugly. The girls couldn't get enough of him. They took him outside, they got in his crate and played, they slept by him.... and he adjusted to our lives. Overall a well behaved and only slightly mischevious puppy.

Bouviers are a working breed and Cole liked to help with the dishes. They are very intelligent but stubborn. He rocked his puppy class and was pretty train able. He's quick to follow commands, when he agrees with them. There are clearly times when he has illusions of grandeur where he believes his judgement is supreme and it takes my Mayoral might to persuade him otherwise.

The funny thing about a large breed dog is they take a few years to fully mature. Many seasons pass and you don't realize...

how big they are getting

and scary

and choosy about who gets through security.

 On the bright side I don't worry about locking my doors. Even when asleep in his hidy hole in the kitchen he's monitoring the situation. Maybe I could pawn him off on the White House, after the Salahi party crasher breech, I heard their security could use some beefing up. This dog is perceptive. I don't know what gene pool the waste of fur they call the First Dog came from, but obviously someone was sleeping on the job.

We call him many things now and none of them include the adjective cute.

Big

Big Black Bastard

B3

Mister

Sir

Stinkopotomus

Bad Ass

The Intimidator

Sir Farts A Lot

He weighs in at 127 pounds of muscle and he's not to be toyed with. He loves other dogs (large and small), but if your a human you're going to have to pass muster. We go through the whole Dog Whisperer routine of come in but ignore the dog. No talking to him, no touch, no eye contact. Take command of the space. Wait, after about 3 minutes of being ignored he'll decide you're cool and invite you to pet him.

Now that he out weighs everyone who resides in this house but my husband I think you can see why I believe I have been punked.